I am not enjoying this.

 

Recently, I’ve reached out to all the coworkers I can remember to ask them to come forward as well.

I had already tried, but now, with time passing, I think my message is more clear.

Like I say, this experience broke me.

There are a few other’s who have come out of the shadows, but they tend to sink back in.

It breaks my heart, the people i used to work with everyday… It was horrible, and I want to leave it behind. But I can’t, because it’s legal, and it will keep happening to dogs and people.

I wanted to kill myself. My friend, and ex lover, barely left me alone because I couldn’t take care of myself and I was just wanting to die. I didn’t leave my bed, really. I cried so loudly, I was screaming, everyday. I couldn’t take care of myself. That’s what happened. It fucking broke me.

Now I have had to try and reach out again, see -sending them this- with personal messages.

 

To me, it feels like reaching out to a time that I don’t want to be in. My bullies, emotional abusers, my colleagues and my “friends” who I worked with every single day, telling me I’m a terrible person. Listen, I’m sure they want nothing to do with me, for whatever freaking reasons. I want nothing to do with them, I just want them to have courage to say what I am saying is true.

Again, I am met with comments such as “leave my family alone”, “let it go already”, and “don’t ever message me again”.

Fuck, How the hell do I convince them to speak out? Everyone wants to move on.

Help me move on. Help Me Get This Heard. I need the right people to hear it, and believe it, and change laws for animals,for people. This is how things change. Ok-

I also feel like this will come back to kick me in the ass. But I can’t find myself to not try one last time so I have, and I hope the effort is worth the possible outcome.

My brain hurts, I suffer from cPTSD and Depression. I’ve suffered with mental health most of my life. Infact, I once told all the staff at a meeting that I was a recovering addict and on again off again homeless person. I’m trying to not get triggered by this, but this part of the work- contacting old coworkers about the dogs- is triggering as fuck, and it hurts my head physically. It sure does not bring out the best of me. But I have better coping mechanisms in which to deal with the triggers- not perfect- but better. I had to try one last time.

 

Well, I’m done trying to ask them to come forward, I’ll keep focusing on the right path for me… Advocating for these dogs in the sled dog industry- which I hope won’t be as emotionally draining as this, on the count of when it gets personnel, it’s triggering.

I really don’t see the better way, to advocate, than to use my experience, and how it truely broke me to work with sentient beings in such way, and to find out it’s mostly legal (?).

I just wish I could feel unapologetic about it too, cause I feel like shit, thinking about bringing up such things to people that may have had no clue and worked there. And talking to people that hate me already for whatever? I’d much rather, at this point, never talk to all of them again, except one, who probably having a real hard time with what I’ve asked from them.  But fuck. It’s all true.

It’s terrible, and true.

Virtuous Musher – Chantal Dostaler

 

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